stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
