So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
