so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
