Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
