I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
