i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
