there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize