I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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