There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
