I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
