Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
