When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize