I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
