just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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