Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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