fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
