if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
