I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he puts the penis in happiness.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize