he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize