Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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