Pappa wants mamma naked
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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