His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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