FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
