I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He better not be in your backpack
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
