we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
