I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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