Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
