What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
