the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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