all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize