I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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