my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
