i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
