someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
