you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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