The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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