The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
