I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
