i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
