I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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