hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
