Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
