my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
