So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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