I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
