So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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