Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize