Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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