Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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