hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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