The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
