Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
