guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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