I think I just saw someone hide a body.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
