My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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