What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
