im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
