I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
