whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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