I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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