You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
