I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
