i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
