So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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