So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
