If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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