I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize