i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
